(no subject)

[geekchick]

To lighten the mood a bit:

ame_chan explains it all: how to find a spouse/third/HBB in three easy steps. Things like this are pretty much the only reason I even bother with polyamory most days.

Notes to self: (cue Super Milk Chan: "You dumbass!")

* Check to see if you're using the "butter-flavored" instant grits before you add a big dollop of butter. Oog. You really can have too much "butter flavor". On the other hand, the cat is helping himself to the remains and seems happy enough with it.

* When you're getting ready for bed and wonder why it is your face seems to be peeling a bit, <hint> take a look at that jar of night cream full of retinol in your hand</hint>.

Now, do I go to the used book/music store, or do I realize that it is far too dangerous to go into such a place right this minute and wisely stay home?

Comments

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I think I might need to be more careful at the potlucks I go to. I ask about meat. Sometimes I ask about mushrooms or wheat or nuts. Now I need to check for boxes. Eeek!

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

* Check to see if you're using the "butter-flavored" instant grits before you add a big dollop of butter. Oog. You really can have too much "butter flavor". On the other hand, the cat is helping himself to the remains and seems happy enough with it

Best way to avoid this is to use the grits as spackle and just eat the butter, as is.

TK

[geekchick]

Ugh. That's just a bit worse than eating mayonnaise with a spoon right out of the jar.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

No, eating mayonnaise straight from the jar is definitely worse. :)

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

how to find a spouse/third/HBB in three easy steps.

[boggle] That's it?! And here I was thinking you needed nets, harpoons, stun guns, etc.

Just a burger, huh (takes notes)? :D

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*sigh* the poly community (as a whole) is one of the snarkiest things I've ever been in. So rampant with the 'let's make flippant self-serving comments about people new to this because we're not in their situation and have always known the proper ways of things' attitude.

[geekchick]

Well, there's really only so many times you can hear variants on "We're looking for a HotBiBabe, tell me where they hang out!" before getting completely tired of it. I'd rather read the snarkiness than the constant wailing about how "Oh, poor me! My pain is completely unlike everyone else's, even the person who posted about an identical situation two days ago". polyamory is all about the drama and the angst, IMO, which is why I rarely, if ever, read it anymore. alt.polyamory tends to have much more useful conversations.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

Well, there's really only so many times you can hear variants on "We're looking for a HotBiBabe, tell me where they hang out!" before getting completely tired of it.

Agreed, so why bother reading, or even commenting?

It's pretty much the same reason I generally don't read the commentary to like posts, either. I can only so many times hear variants on the "you shallow married bi people, daring to think someone might actually want to get involved with both of you!"

When so much of my friendslist posts links to comments like this, thinking it's funny, I eventually begin to wonder what people's real opinion of Marn and I are.

[geekchick]

When so much of my friendslist posts links to comments like this, thinking it's funny, I eventually begin to wonder what people's real opinion of Marn and I are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but to be honest I don't even know much about your relationship requirements, so my thinking this comment was kinda funny reflects not at all on you and Marnanel.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

I think it's probably one of those things that doesn't matter too much if you already know our requirements, much like if a coworker said to me something negative about queer people without knowing I was queer.

[geekchick]

Okay, I can see your point I think, although personally I don't think your comparison there is a particularly apt one. You drew the connection betweeen finding that comment funny and opinions on your relationship, my point was only that for me the two things would only be connected if I'd known you to exhibit the sort of behavior the post was poking fun at. ame_chan can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, but from what I know of her, I believe her comment was not meant to poke fun at people who are looking for a third or who prefer to be part of a triad per se but at a particular sort of behavior that shows up time and again. Perhaps you read it differently, and I can see how if that was the case it might lead to upset.

I'm sorry if the link and the discussion upset you, I certainly didn't intend it to cause distress.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I see. My point really was that it seems like a lot of people don't make the distinction between a couple open to the idea of a third partner, and that particular sort of behaviour. That I find distressing, in much the same way I do understand when friends complain about Christians, but without specifying "Christians who [...]" I worry that because I'm Christian, I'm also grouped into who they're complaining about. Perhaps sensitive and a bit paranoid, but it's pretty natural to need reassurance occasionally, and it's not the sort of thing people usually are very vocal about, you know? People find it easier to bitch about one group than say, "I'm glad I know people that belong to that group who aren't asshatish about it."

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

As the person making the snark in question, I'll let you know where my head is at on it. Okay, I'm married and I'm utterly open to the idea of other partner(s) being a part of our life, living with us, etc. Love the idea. I'm not going to go looking for it though. I'm not going to advertise for it. I don't feel like my life is missing anything because I don't have it. I have partners who are not part of my marriage and I'm really happy with them. I don't feel like anything is missing in my life. If I met someone new and that person or one of my partners over time *grew into* something more connected to my marriage (another spouse, a third, call it what you will) that'd be great and I'd welcome it.

What I object to is this incessant spamming of communities and mailing lists with hte "how do I get me one of those hot bi babes, my wife and I would both like to have one." sorts of emails/posts. The "where do you find them?" stuff. People are not commodities, not toys, not meat, they're people. You don't find them at Target. You don't go out looking for someone to fit X, Y and Z criteria and ask them to move in with you because they fit those things. At least, not in my worldview. You get to know folk on their own merits, you develop relationships with them and you see how the relationships grow together over time. If you're lucky, maybe it grows in the direction you hoped for, but it's not something you can force.

Fwiw, I feel very much the same way about personals ads for mono/singles and mailaway brides. I think that advertising for someone to fill a hole is just not... the best way to find the right person. Not saying it hasn't worked well for some, but saying that I find it objectionable.

I don't feel like my comment was snarky at all. I was poking gentle fun at them, yes, but I don't think I was mean or in any way bitchy or over the top. It was a humorous comment and intended as such. The underlying frustration I feel over posts like that is something I reserve for discussion in my own journal or places like this, it's not something that I'd slam someone over the head with in a community like that.

[geekchick]

You drew the connection betweeen finding that comment funny and opinions on your relationship

Re-reading, that isn't exactly what you said and I apologize if I misinterpreted.

I think knowing what you want in a relationship is a good thing, and important. I'm not terribly comfortable though with the way the OP phrased it, "looking for a spouse" specifically. I think that a relationship should be fit to the person rather than finding a person and shoving them into a particular box, if that makes any sense. I think patgreene phrased it better than I am able to right now.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

My reaction would have been exactly the same had it been a monogamous straight person looking for a mate.

I find the "I want to find someone to fit x set of criteria" -- whether you are looking for a wife or a third member of a triad -- to be offputting. It is one thing to find people and then decide that you want them to fill x role, it's another thing to essentially interview people for the position, which is what personals (which really is what they are talking about) are about. They weren't asking where they could find community, which would be a source of meeting people, they were asking about how to find a specific sort of person to fill a role.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

and it doesn't strike anyone has having been more helpful both to that person and to the community as a whole to have pointed out that distinction to them?

*shrug* I'm possibly taking this too personally. I don't think it's -about me-, but it does strike a nerve in regards to my own experiences, and I've some amount of sympathy, even if few others do. Dunno about those people, I can sympathise with being frustrated with knowing what I'd need in a relationship, being open about that, and not only frustrated about not being able to find it, but being ridiculed for it in a community I felt part of, and I'd have thought would be more open to relationship styles that are less mainstream. Hell, I'd thought it was suppose to be a mark of maturity to know what you want and be honest with others about that, but it seems to be something which makes you an open target for pointing and laughing.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

and it doesn't strike anyone has having been more helpful both to that person and to the community as a whole to have pointed out that distinction to them?

Feel free to do so yourself, if you think it needs to be pointed out to them, rather than taking others to task for not doing it.

The OP was given a lot of suggestions on sites to look into, if you read the whole thread. Is humor so out of place? I can see if every person who commented ripped into them, but all ame_chan's comment did was add a humorous comment to a thread that had already had plenty of concrete suggestions on it.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

Being disappointed my friends found the kind of behaviour I discourage my child from participating in is not quite the same as taking ame_chan to task. Niave, perhaps, but I do generally assume my friends are relatively compassionate people.

Sorry geekchick, no mas.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I know all of the people who have commented in response to ame_chan's comment, including ame_chan herself. I also know geekchick quite well. I know them to be compassionate people, however you choose to interpret their actions.

Personally, I am compassionate to people who I feel genuinely deserve compassion, and these people do not fall into that category.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I don't know you or your history, so I I don't mean this at all personally...

I understand the need to be clear to yourself about what will and will not work for you. I just have trouble with the thought that one will meet people with an eye to assessing off the bat whether they would be a potential partner. Aside from the fact that no metric is perfect and that one runs the risk of eliminating people who might well be good partners, it would feel to me like I was being viewed as a bundle of traits, not as a person in the round. It would also feel like I was being interviewed for a job -- competitive and somewhat objectifying. If a couple said to me "We were looking for a third person, and by golly, we think you'd be a great match," my answer would be "Um, no thanks.".

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I see what you're saying. I think I came at it assuming better of the OP because of my own experience. My spouse and I have been involved in a triad, and enjoyed that. We enjoyed it almost exclusively, though, because of who the person was. We got involved with her first becauce she's an amazing person, and second, because at the time it worked for those involved. Not because she was the best canidate for the position. I guess the difference is I'm coming at it from the other side, maybe? Like, this person is a friend of ours, and I'm romantically interested in this person, and think this person might be interested in me, possibly even both my spose and I as well. Let's discuss what we'd all want, maybe they're comfortable with that sort of set-up so no feelings get hurt, and then see what naturally progresses from there. Problem being that we've run into so many people in the poly community assuming all we want is a hot-bi-babe and being very contempteous them perceiving that as shallow, we're not doing poly 'the right way' and all, that sometimes I get frustrated enough to want to ask stupid questions like "okay. we can't be the only ones. where else can we find poly people who aren't going to sneer at us about this?' Not because I want to interview them or anything that crass, but because I'd like to be given a bit more..I dunno? respect, I guess. I had assumed this was more or less what the OP was asking, just in a terribly awkward newbie-ish way.

I can see how it can be read both ways, though. Suppose it just depends on what end your coming at it from. Thanks for explaining what you thought so patiently to me, though.

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel you've been sneered at. I don't think you're the type of married couple I'm referring to at all, from what I've read here.

Yes, there *is* that element of snark in this community, but I dont' think ti's worse than in others. For me, the snark is borne out of frustration at being objectified, not out of someone "doing it wrong." I don't think those people are wrong, so much as, perhaps in need of some examination of their ideas and motivations.

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

I felt that some of the other commenters gave them excellent advice as to ways to meet other poly folk, whether for dating or networking. Plus, obviously they have LJ as a networking tool. Me, I was making a gentle joke about it. More information was not necessary, imo, but I was amused and said so.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Grits, yum. Instant grits... eh. Regular grits take 2.5 minutes in the microwave, about as fast as I can make instant...

[geekchick]

Eh, they're not so great. I don't even like grits all that much, I'm not sure what possessed me to buy them other than "I can heat it up in the time it takes to brew a cup of coffee".

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

It's weird, I never liked grits growing up, but now I do. Especially with cheese.