(no subject)

[geekchick]

To lighten the mood a bit:

ame_chan explains it all: how to find a spouse/third/HBB in three easy steps. Things like this are pretty much the only reason I even bother with polyamory most days.

Notes to self: (cue Super Milk Chan: "You dumbass!")

* Check to see if you're using the "butter-flavored" instant grits before you add a big dollop of butter. Oog. You really can have too much "butter flavor". On the other hand, the cat is helping himself to the remains and seems happy enough with it.

* When you're getting ready for bed and wonder why it is your face seems to be peeling a bit, <hint> take a look at that jar of night cream full of retinol in your hand</hint>.

Now, do I go to the used book/music store, or do I realize that it is far too dangerous to go into such a place right this minute and wisely stay home?

Comments

[geekchick]

Well, there's really only so many times you can hear variants on "We're looking for a HotBiBabe, tell me where they hang out!" before getting completely tired of it. I'd rather read the snarkiness than the constant wailing about how "Oh, poor me! My pain is completely unlike everyone else's, even the person who posted about an identical situation two days ago". polyamory is all about the drama and the angst, IMO, which is why I rarely, if ever, read it anymore. alt.polyamory tends to have much more useful conversations.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

Well, there's really only so many times you can hear variants on "We're looking for a HotBiBabe, tell me where they hang out!" before getting completely tired of it.

Agreed, so why bother reading, or even commenting?

It's pretty much the same reason I generally don't read the commentary to like posts, either. I can only so many times hear variants on the "you shallow married bi people, daring to think someone might actually want to get involved with both of you!"

When so much of my friendslist posts links to comments like this, thinking it's funny, I eventually begin to wonder what people's real opinion of Marn and I are.

[geekchick]

When so much of my friendslist posts links to comments like this, thinking it's funny, I eventually begin to wonder what people's real opinion of Marn and I are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but to be honest I don't even know much about your relationship requirements, so my thinking this comment was kinda funny reflects not at all on you and Marnanel.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

I think it's probably one of those things that doesn't matter too much if you already know our requirements, much like if a coworker said to me something negative about queer people without knowing I was queer.

[geekchick]

Okay, I can see your point I think, although personally I don't think your comparison there is a particularly apt one. You drew the connection betweeen finding that comment funny and opinions on your relationship, my point was only that for me the two things would only be connected if I'd known you to exhibit the sort of behavior the post was poking fun at. ame_chan can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, but from what I know of her, I believe her comment was not meant to poke fun at people who are looking for a third or who prefer to be part of a triad per se but at a particular sort of behavior that shows up time and again. Perhaps you read it differently, and I can see how if that was the case it might lead to upset.

I'm sorry if the link and the discussion upset you, I certainly didn't intend it to cause distress.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I see. My point really was that it seems like a lot of people don't make the distinction between a couple open to the idea of a third partner, and that particular sort of behaviour. That I find distressing, in much the same way I do understand when friends complain about Christians, but without specifying "Christians who [...]" I worry that because I'm Christian, I'm also grouped into who they're complaining about. Perhaps sensitive and a bit paranoid, but it's pretty natural to need reassurance occasionally, and it's not the sort of thing people usually are very vocal about, you know? People find it easier to bitch about one group than say, "I'm glad I know people that belong to that group who aren't asshatish about it."

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

As the person making the snark in question, I'll let you know where my head is at on it. Okay, I'm married and I'm utterly open to the idea of other partner(s) being a part of our life, living with us, etc. Love the idea. I'm not going to go looking for it though. I'm not going to advertise for it. I don't feel like my life is missing anything because I don't have it. I have partners who are not part of my marriage and I'm really happy with them. I don't feel like anything is missing in my life. If I met someone new and that person or one of my partners over time *grew into* something more connected to my marriage (another spouse, a third, call it what you will) that'd be great and I'd welcome it.

What I object to is this incessant spamming of communities and mailing lists with hte "how do I get me one of those hot bi babes, my wife and I would both like to have one." sorts of emails/posts. The "where do you find them?" stuff. People are not commodities, not toys, not meat, they're people. You don't find them at Target. You don't go out looking for someone to fit X, Y and Z criteria and ask them to move in with you because they fit those things. At least, not in my worldview. You get to know folk on their own merits, you develop relationships with them and you see how the relationships grow together over time. If you're lucky, maybe it grows in the direction you hoped for, but it's not something you can force.

Fwiw, I feel very much the same way about personals ads for mono/singles and mailaway brides. I think that advertising for someone to fill a hole is just not... the best way to find the right person. Not saying it hasn't worked well for some, but saying that I find it objectionable.

I don't feel like my comment was snarky at all. I was poking gentle fun at them, yes, but I don't think I was mean or in any way bitchy or over the top. It was a humorous comment and intended as such. The underlying frustration I feel over posts like that is something I reserve for discussion in my own journal or places like this, it's not something that I'd slam someone over the head with in a community like that.

[geekchick]

You drew the connection betweeen finding that comment funny and opinions on your relationship

Re-reading, that isn't exactly what you said and I apologize if I misinterpreted.

I think knowing what you want in a relationship is a good thing, and important. I'm not terribly comfortable though with the way the OP phrased it, "looking for a spouse" specifically. I think that a relationship should be fit to the person rather than finding a person and shoving them into a particular box, if that makes any sense. I think patgreene phrased it better than I am able to right now.