(no subject)

[geekchick]

To lighten the mood a bit:

ame_chan explains it all: how to find a spouse/third/HBB in three easy steps. Things like this are pretty much the only reason I even bother with polyamory most days.

Notes to self: (cue Super Milk Chan: "You dumbass!")

* Check to see if you're using the "butter-flavored" instant grits before you add a big dollop of butter. Oog. You really can have too much "butter flavor". On the other hand, the cat is helping himself to the remains and seems happy enough with it.

* When you're getting ready for bed and wonder why it is your face seems to be peeling a bit, <hint> take a look at that jar of night cream full of retinol in your hand</hint>.

Now, do I go to the used book/music store, or do I realize that it is far too dangerous to go into such a place right this minute and wisely stay home?

Comments

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

My reaction would have been exactly the same had it been a monogamous straight person looking for a mate.

I find the "I want to find someone to fit x set of criteria" -- whether you are looking for a wife or a third member of a triad -- to be offputting. It is one thing to find people and then decide that you want them to fill x role, it's another thing to essentially interview people for the position, which is what personals (which really is what they are talking about) are about. They weren't asking where they could find community, which would be a source of meeting people, they were asking about how to find a specific sort of person to fill a role.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

and it doesn't strike anyone has having been more helpful both to that person and to the community as a whole to have pointed out that distinction to them?

*shrug* I'm possibly taking this too personally. I don't think it's -about me-, but it does strike a nerve in regards to my own experiences, and I've some amount of sympathy, even if few others do. Dunno about those people, I can sympathise with being frustrated with knowing what I'd need in a relationship, being open about that, and not only frustrated about not being able to find it, but being ridiculed for it in a community I felt part of, and I'd have thought would be more open to relationship styles that are less mainstream. Hell, I'd thought it was suppose to be a mark of maturity to know what you want and be honest with others about that, but it seems to be something which makes you an open target for pointing and laughing.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

and it doesn't strike anyone has having been more helpful both to that person and to the community as a whole to have pointed out that distinction to them?

Feel free to do so yourself, if you think it needs to be pointed out to them, rather than taking others to task for not doing it.

The OP was given a lot of suggestions on sites to look into, if you read the whole thread. Is humor so out of place? I can see if every person who commented ripped into them, but all ame_chan's comment did was add a humorous comment to a thread that had already had plenty of concrete suggestions on it.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

Being disappointed my friends found the kind of behaviour I discourage my child from participating in is not quite the same as taking ame_chan to task. Niave, perhaps, but I do generally assume my friends are relatively compassionate people.

Sorry geekchick, no mas.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I know all of the people who have commented in response to ame_chan's comment, including ame_chan herself. I also know geekchick quite well. I know them to be compassionate people, however you choose to interpret their actions.

Personally, I am compassionate to people who I feel genuinely deserve compassion, and these people do not fall into that category.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I don't know you or your history, so I I don't mean this at all personally...

I understand the need to be clear to yourself about what will and will not work for you. I just have trouble with the thought that one will meet people with an eye to assessing off the bat whether they would be a potential partner. Aside from the fact that no metric is perfect and that one runs the risk of eliminating people who might well be good partners, it would feel to me like I was being viewed as a bundle of traits, not as a person in the round. It would also feel like I was being interviewed for a job -- competitive and somewhat objectifying. If a couple said to me "We were looking for a third person, and by golly, we think you'd be a great match," my answer would be "Um, no thanks.".

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I see what you're saying. I think I came at it assuming better of the OP because of my own experience. My spouse and I have been involved in a triad, and enjoyed that. We enjoyed it almost exclusively, though, because of who the person was. We got involved with her first becauce she's an amazing person, and second, because at the time it worked for those involved. Not because she was the best canidate for the position. I guess the difference is I'm coming at it from the other side, maybe? Like, this person is a friend of ours, and I'm romantically interested in this person, and think this person might be interested in me, possibly even both my spose and I as well. Let's discuss what we'd all want, maybe they're comfortable with that sort of set-up so no feelings get hurt, and then see what naturally progresses from there. Problem being that we've run into so many people in the poly community assuming all we want is a hot-bi-babe and being very contempteous them perceiving that as shallow, we're not doing poly 'the right way' and all, that sometimes I get frustrated enough to want to ask stupid questions like "okay. we can't be the only ones. where else can we find poly people who aren't going to sneer at us about this?' Not because I want to interview them or anything that crass, but because I'd like to be given a bit more..I dunno? respect, I guess. I had assumed this was more or less what the OP was asking, just in a terribly awkward newbie-ish way.

I can see how it can be read both ways, though. Suppose it just depends on what end your coming at it from. Thanks for explaining what you thought so patiently to me, though.

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel you've been sneered at. I don't think you're the type of married couple I'm referring to at all, from what I've read here.

Yes, there *is* that element of snark in this community, but I dont' think ti's worse than in others. For me, the snark is borne out of frustration at being objectified, not out of someone "doing it wrong." I don't think those people are wrong, so much as, perhaps in need of some examination of their ideas and motivations.

[ame-chan.livejournal.com]

I felt that some of the other commenters gave them excellent advice as to ways to meet other poly folk, whether for dating or networking. Plus, obviously they have LJ as a networking tool. Me, I was making a gentle joke about it. More information was not necessary, imo, but I was amused and said so.