(no subject)

[geekchick]

I have a real problem with guilt. By that I mean that I take on rather too much of it, even for things that aren't particularly my fault. Example: a mistake was made a few weeks ago, and all documentation leads to the conclusion that the mistake wasn't mine (and the other party said at the time the mistake was pointed out that the fault might've been on their end). Since I have in fact made that particular mistake in the past though, I promptly went on to stress about the fact that I might've screwed up and felt pretty damn bad about it for several hours. Even though I knew that I'd not messed up in this case, I still took on a disproportionate amount of feeling bad about it (by which I mean "any"). That's just wrong. Why on earth should I feel bad about something that I didn't even do?

And when I do actually screw up? I can't seem to let it go. Heck, I still have flashes of ooginess about things that happened a decade or more ago. I will beat myself up for mistakes I make far longer and harder than the wronged party is ever likely to, and there is little anyone else can say that will make me feel quite as bad as I can manage all on my own. I have literally worried myself sick with feelings of guilt over screw-ups. Sense of proportion? Yeah, I've heard of those. It's not that I feel I must be perfect, it's that I really hate feeling like I've disappointed someone or made them angry. Conflict-avoidant much? Oh, HELL yeah.

I wish I could get a handle on this behavior. Yes, I should feel (at least a little) bad about things that are my fault, but then I should attempt to fix the situation and let it go. I need to also learn not to accept responsibility and feel guilt for things that aren't my fault. That's pretty self-centered right there, because I'm making everything All About Me when it most decidedly is not. Perspective: I should work on getting some.

(No, I don't normally talk here explicitly about how my brain works. Y'all are just lucky today, I guess.)

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I have a poster that has various affirming sayings on it, and one of them is "Don't be a responsibility sponge". I think it's one of the hardest things to let go of.

You're not alone with this one.

*hugs*

[geekchick]

"Responsibility sponge". Yeah, that's it in a nutshell.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

IAWTCs.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

YES. I so totally do the same thing.
The Happiness Project talks about guilt (interesting conclusions, broken HTML) here.

[geekchick]

"Find something that’s making you feel guilty, and find a way to make it a source of happiness."

I must confess that I don't have the slightest idea of how I'd go about doing that for a lot of the things I feel guilt over. Someting interesting to ponder though.

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

I will just do what I always do when faced with something that is that powerfully damaging to the emotional core: I will begin to repress it, and I will swallow it, and I imagine that, thirty years from now, someone will spill juice, and I will FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
       -- Jon Stewart

[geekchick]

Huey, I adore you. SRSLY. (Even though you are, apparently, unbelievably selfish. Bwah!)

[chadu.livejournal.com]

I can smell your brains.

CU

[geekchick]

Spicy?

[tcepsa.livejournal.com]

If you've not read it already, I recommend at least taking a look at There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. I have a copy that you're welcome to borrow for the aforementioned look-taking if you'd like. ^_^

[geekchick]

I've not read it (in fact, not heard of it until now). I may take you up on that at some point, thanks. =)

[tcepsa.livejournal.com]

Sure thing! Just let me know if/when you want to borrow ^_^

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem with letting go of past screw-ups. I've discovered I use them as motivation to try not to repeat the same mistake. Doesn't work too well, but there you have it. I've started to get a little better at letting go just because I figured out the reason I was holding on and that wasn't working.

(And I like how your brain works. ;-))

[geekchick]

I haven't figured out yet why I can't just let go, I suspect it might be easier if I knew what I was getting out of holding on to feelings of inadequacy.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

NB I should add that my epiphany came during last spring and summer's weeks of counseling sessions.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

I have little useful to add except to note that you're not alone - I do this shit too :( In my case it's some perverse notion that unless I keep beating myself up, I won't be sufficiently careful next time. This doesn't work as well as one might think :/

[hugs]

[geekchick]

Like I said to Dan above, I'm not quite sure why I keep holding on to stuff. It's not like I feel I'm getting anything out of it really other than some lovely feelings of inadequacy. Yay. =/

[asetwoman.livejournal.com]

I have a milder version of this as well.

And off topic: your icon makes me think of my first girlfriend.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

The plastic fruit?

[asetwoman.livejournal.com]

Uh, yes. Her. She wasn't exactly upfront with her plastic fruit throwing tendencies.

[geekchick]

I had to go back and look at which one I ended up using, because I'd originally started to use the Winnie the Pooh "thinking" icon and wondered what reminded you there of your girlfriend. =)

Plastic fruit sounds like a story, probably not meant for consumption here.

[asetwoman.livejournal.com]

It's not a dirty story or anything, if that's what you meant. But it's a bit long if the context is added.

[geekchick]

It's not a dirty story or anything, if that's what you meant.

Oh no, that's not what I meant at all. It just sounded from your later comment like perhaps it might've been, er, dramatic and I didn't know if it was something you much wanted to go into here.

[asetwoman.livejournal.com]

Nah. In retrospect, it's funny. Then? Not so much.

[mouseman.livejournal.com]

Not so much me on the other people (though occasionally a slight twinge of it), very much so on the 2, 5, 10, 15 years ago screw-ups that still get me (even if the offended person had long forgotten about it).

But ... life goes on.

[geekchick]

But ... life goes on.

It does indeed.

I've never really been entirely sure why I hold on to stuff like that for so long, when it's clearly long since ceased being an issue. Maybe if I could figure out why, I could figure out how to let it go.

[kytynpet.livejournal.com]

Me too. Those are how i think/intellectualize/feel about guilt as well. And it so depends on my perspective of things when i'm in the midst of it. Like now, for example . . .

Five minutes ago, I just hugged my son goodbye as he moved out. Mommy guilt has been my most recent focus, but there are all kinds of other things I wrap myself around too.

Hugs to you.

[geekchick]

*hug* I imagine it's hard to watch your oldest leave the nest, regardless. Take care of yourself, okay? (Also, there's a carnival out at the Bull Run park this weekend apparently. Maybe we need to go eat food on sticks and vent?)

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

That explains much that I should have been able to figure out on my own, but didn't.

[ryozu.livejournal.com]

Normal? No, but appreciated to be sure.

I can't say I'm much like that. I tend to rationalize things into the ground before my emotions ever get a chance to step in. That's why it's always been very, very hard for me to understand a close friend of mine. She's not quite as skilled at putting things into words, but your words seem to match what she's trying to say, so maybe that's two people I understand just a bit better. =)

[geekchick]

I tend to rationalize things into the ground before my emotions ever get a chance to step in.

Yeah, I tend to have a lot of friends and partners like that too. I am much more emotional than logical when I'm upset, and sometimes that makes it very hard to have a productive conversation because I'm flailing my arms around trying to verbalize emotions and the other person is coming at it from a totally different direction.

[sirjames.livejournal.com]

Yup, ditto for me.

Not exactly the same, but intuitively, this is related:

One of the things that was discussed on Tuesday at the BR poly talk was the issue of boundaries. I've never really thought about that, per se, and so it's up on my radar to look into, and work, to know more clearly what they are, for me, and how I can constructively identify something that's *not* mine to dwell and roll around in.

*hugs* sweet lady

[geekchick]

and how I can constructively identify something that's *not* mine to dwell and roll around in

That would be an excellent first start for me, I think.

*hug* Glad to hear you seem to be recovering well.

[sirjames.livejournal.com]

I'm getting better daily, thanks to the time and space to heal. I've very specifically and deliberately afforded myself access to massage and energy therapy, acupuncture, lots of rest, and good nutrition. I hope to continue with this approach - and not lapse back to old habits.

On the boundaries thing, a friend of mine has pointed out that some of the boundaries issues very closely parallel some of the issues/challenges/opportunities as experienced by Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). My mother died an alcoholic, and long ago I waived "that stuff" off as hooey (sp?). Now seems like a good time to go back and work on it.

I'd enjoy 1-1 time with you, sometime. Would you?

*hugs*