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Sep. 20th, 2004 03:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geekchickHere's a poly-related question that's come up more than once now, and I thought I'd check to see other people's thoughts on the matter.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
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Date: 2004-09-20 05:26 pm (UTC)At this point, I don't expect to get much input into the other partners of an outside partner, but I think it's nice. Also if the time taken for the new partner is coming from "partner time" rather than personal time, I think it's really only considerate to take some time to reassure those involved that this doesn't presage an eventual end.
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Date: 2004-09-23 06:41 pm (UTC)Oh sure, I think that's quite fair.
I also don't expect that my partners will do more than mention to me that they're considering getting involved with someone new. They may consult me and ask my opinion, and that's great, but generally my theory is "it's your relationship" unless it turns into something that is negatively impacting our existing relationship. I don't think that new relationships by definition negatively impact existing ones, mostly I think because I assume my partners are reasonably responsible adults and are capable of managing the situation.
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Date: 2004-09-23 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:39 pm (UTC)Yeah, this is just my own attitude toward it. As a concrete example, if my primary wants to get involved with someone new, we've had enough discussions previously about his views on new relationships and how they should or should not affect a primary relationship that I feel pretty comfortable saying "go ahead, I'll let you know if I start feeling uncomfortable". I do like to have some idea of who the person is and meet them socially if possible.