(no subject)

[geekchick]

I've decided I'm like a cat, always wanting to be on the other side of the door. If I'm living alone, I want to be living with someone else. If I'm living with someone, I chafe at the constant company and want nothing more than to be alone. If I'm not dating someone or if I only have a long-distance relationship, I dream of having someone there to be with; when I have a local partner, I don't like the feeling of not being able to do things when/where/with whom I want without checking in with someone else first. Of course it never starts out like that and I don't mean to imply that I necessarily feel that way all the time, but the discontent tends to lurk there in the background, just waiting for the right moment to make me consciously aware of its presence. It's been calling to me quite clearly recently, whispering in my ear about how wonderful it would be to pack up a backpack and run off to London, how I would have no one to answer to and I could revel in my freedom for a while. Okay, maybe not London since that would present me with an entirely different variety of discontent I'm afraid. (I can manage not to obsess while on the same continent, but I don't think I could avoid it in the same city.) Sydney? Auckland? Rome? I realize full well however that it wouldn't make me happy for long. I'd miss my cat, I'd miss my friends, I'd miss the comfortable familiarity of the place I've called home for so long. Even though I have a strong desire to stretch my wings and fly away, I don't think I could actually do it.

Sometimes I wonder if my never seeming to be content for long is a sign that I just haven't found myself in the right situation yet, or if it's indicative of something deeper within my personality. Maybe I'm not meant to ever stop wondering whether the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence or if it's just a trick of the light? I don't know.

Since I just know I'm going to be asked: this is not an attempt to communicate with anyone, this is just noodling on why I seem to work the way I do. I'm trying to get back to feeling less like I have to self-censor what I post here.

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Why view it as a negative? Maybe you have an unrecognized penchant for exploration... maybe not flying away forever (you know how much I'd miss you, among many others :) but perhaps stretching your wings occasionally? A few weeks or a couple of months at a time? Take a half-year in Sydney, say? Or a fortnight stalking Oysterband around the UK? Just a thought... and sympathy.

(hugs)

[geekchick]

Why view it as a negative?

I think I consider it a negative because I just seem to be unable to be happy with what I've got (and I do have a lot good in my life). I don't mean that I want to be able to "settle", I mean that no matter how good I may have it and how closely it aligns itself with what I claimed to want, it's never quite what I want when I have it. Make any sense?

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

I think you ARE happy with what you have, you just need a change sometimes - that's human. Or, at least, I hope it is, because I suffer this wanderlust from time to time as well :)

I often wish I could take a few weeks there, a couple of months there as well, but the nature of making a living does not make this feasible :( And I imagine international travel would be a problem, because of the cats - I could always take D. with me :)

Happy and Content aren't the same

[telnar.livejournal.com]

Over the years, I've mostly viewed myself as happy with the way my life is going, but not content to freeze that situation in amber as a constant for all time.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "it's never quite what I want when I have it," so I don't know if we're talking about the same reaction or not, but if we are, I see nothing at all wrong with it. No matter how good things are, there are still ways to improve them, and many of those options don't require giving up the most important things you already have.

[krikket.livejournal.com]

I sympathize and understand this feeling all-to-well...

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I am not a psycho-anything (well, maybe I'm just psycho). Sometimes you want one situation, then you're in it and want the other way. Is it perhaps a question of balancing extremes?

how wonderful it would be to pack up a backpack and run off to...

Been in my t-shirt drawer? :-) I've gotten those inklings on and off ever since I was just out of high school.

I'm trying to get back to feeling less like I have to self-censor what I post here.

I've been thinking about that with regard to my own journal.

*hugs*