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Jan. 9th, 2003 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geekchickToday is Prickle-Prickle, day 9 in the season of Chaos, 3269.
Why Cathy hasn't been much fun lately...
It's been pretty gray and sunless here recently, and I definitely wilt from lack of sunlight. I've been through another bout of pretty severe depression, to the point where getting up, getting dressed and going to work is difficult; the only thing keeping me motivated is the fact that if I get fired, I'll be out of work for another year and I can't afford that. Speaking of work, I've got a big deadline coming up Monday and I have to put together a convincing presentation for discussion at our company's big annual meeting coming up soon. Did I mention my phobia of public speaking? Then there were the holidays, which didn't really even register much for me this year...it never really felt like Christmas or New Year's to me. I was sick as a dog for four days over Christmas week, but at least it wasn't Norwalk. I had an argument with a sweetie after a reaction to a holiday present I sent was, shall we say, non-optimal. As an extra-special Christmas present for ME, someone cloned my ATM card and drained my bank account down to $8.14 on Christmas Day (which had the added benefit of having all the money I had set aside for paying bills disappear with no warning). I've been noticing withdrawal on the part of several friends who don't seem inclined to initiate contact anymore (not that i'm generally too much better about that these days, I admit). I've come to the conclusion, thanks to a long period of lack of any real contact and pretty much none that wasn't initiated by me, that one of my long-term relationships is de facto over and I've been moping about that for a couple of weeks. Being overly sensitized to perceived withdrawal thanks to those last two things has made me way too paranoid about any possible signs of similar behavior from my sweeties and I've been a bit prickly; that unfortunately overlapped with a period when the person I was prickly at wasn't feeling too chipper themselves. Then a whole bunch of people at once decide to independently jump up and down on one of my buttons; by some circuitious route that ends up in a bitchy snarkfest, and that puts someone I care about in a difficult position (which of course makes me feel worse). A semi-joking conversation about meeting a sweetie's parents made me think about the fact that my parents will never meet any of the people who are important to me now. My father died of cancer in 1991 (which is why I get so worried when people I care about talk about having persistent headaches), and my mother died of breast cancer in 1999. I don't talk about them much here, but I do think of them, especially around the holidays.
At least I can tell myself that the days are getting longer, even if I don't actually notice it yet. Sunlight will help. Oh yeah, there's San Jose too; details on that later.
Why Cathy hasn't been much fun lately...
It's been pretty gray and sunless here recently, and I definitely wilt from lack of sunlight. I've been through another bout of pretty severe depression, to the point where getting up, getting dressed and going to work is difficult; the only thing keeping me motivated is the fact that if I get fired, I'll be out of work for another year and I can't afford that. Speaking of work, I've got a big deadline coming up Monday and I have to put together a convincing presentation for discussion at our company's big annual meeting coming up soon. Did I mention my phobia of public speaking? Then there were the holidays, which didn't really even register much for me this year...it never really felt like Christmas or New Year's to me. I was sick as a dog for four days over Christmas week, but at least it wasn't Norwalk. I had an argument with a sweetie after a reaction to a holiday present I sent was, shall we say, non-optimal. As an extra-special Christmas present for ME, someone cloned my ATM card and drained my bank account down to $8.14 on Christmas Day (which had the added benefit of having all the money I had set aside for paying bills disappear with no warning). I've been noticing withdrawal on the part of several friends who don't seem inclined to initiate contact anymore (not that i'm generally too much better about that these days, I admit). I've come to the conclusion, thanks to a long period of lack of any real contact and pretty much none that wasn't initiated by me, that one of my long-term relationships is de facto over and I've been moping about that for a couple of weeks. Being overly sensitized to perceived withdrawal thanks to those last two things has made me way too paranoid about any possible signs of similar behavior from my sweeties and I've been a bit prickly; that unfortunately overlapped with a period when the person I was prickly at wasn't feeling too chipper themselves. Then a whole bunch of people at once decide to independently jump up and down on one of my buttons; by some circuitious route that ends up in a bitchy snarkfest, and that puts someone I care about in a difficult position (which of course makes me feel worse). A semi-joking conversation about meeting a sweetie's parents made me think about the fact that my parents will never meet any of the people who are important to me now. My father died of cancer in 1991 (which is why I get so worried when people I care about talk about having persistent headaches), and my mother died of breast cancer in 1999. I don't talk about them much here, but I do think of them, especially around the holidays.
At least I can tell myself that the days are getting longer, even if I don't actually notice it yet. Sunlight will help. Oh yeah, there's San Jose too; details on that later.
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Date: 2003-01-09 08:58 pm (UTC)I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time, and been feeling depressed. I've been having my own bout with SAD lately. I vote for chocolate and a walk in the sun, if you're up for it.
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Date: 2003-01-09 09:29 pm (UTC)