(no subject)

[geekchick]

Today is Prickle-Prickle, day 9 in the season of Chaos, 3269.

Why Cathy hasn't been much fun lately...


It's been pretty gray and sunless here recently, and I definitely wilt from lack of sunlight. I've been through another bout of pretty severe depression, to the point where getting up, getting dressed and going to work is difficult; the only thing keeping me motivated is the fact that if I get fired, I'll be out of work for another year and I can't afford that. Speaking of work, I've got a big deadline coming up Monday and I have to put together a convincing presentation for discussion at our company's big annual meeting coming up soon. Did I mention my phobia of public speaking? Then there were the holidays, which didn't really even register much for me this year...it never really felt like Christmas or New Year's to me. I was sick as a dog for four days over Christmas week, but at least it wasn't Norwalk. I had an argument with a sweetie after a reaction to a holiday present I sent was, shall we say, non-optimal. As an extra-special Christmas present for ME, someone cloned my ATM card and drained my bank account down to $8.14 on Christmas Day (which had the added benefit of having all the money I had set aside for paying bills disappear with no warning). I've been noticing withdrawal on the part of several friends who don't seem inclined to initiate contact anymore (not that i'm generally too much better about that these days, I admit). I've come to the conclusion, thanks to a long period of lack of any real contact and pretty much none that wasn't initiated by me, that one of my long-term relationships is de facto over and I've been moping about that for a couple of weeks. Being overly sensitized to perceived withdrawal thanks to those last two things has made me way too paranoid about any possible signs of similar behavior from my sweeties and I've been a bit prickly; that unfortunately overlapped with a period when the person I was prickly at wasn't feeling too chipper themselves. Then a whole bunch of people at once decide to independently jump up and down on one of my buttons; by some circuitious route that ends up in a bitchy snarkfest, and that puts someone I care about in a difficult position (which of course makes me feel worse). A semi-joking conversation about meeting a sweetie's parents made me think about the fact that my parents will never meet any of the people who are important to me now. My father died of cancer in 1991 (which is why I get so worried when people I care about talk about having persistent headaches), and my mother died of breast cancer in 1999. I don't talk about them much here, but I do think of them, especially around the holidays.


At least I can tell myself that the days are getting longer, even if I don't actually notice it yet. Sunlight will help. Oh yeah, there's San Jose too; details on that later.

Comments

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

That's a lot going on at once for anyone :( I know that nothing I can say would be adequate, but I do hope you are feeling better.

San Jose will be good for you - change of climate (hopefully warmer, or at least more moderate) and a change of scenery away from the drama.

[geekchick]

Thanks. =) It's getting better, and once I get over doing this stupid presentation in San Jose it should be fine.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

I hope San Jose cheers you up. Speaking of which, might there be time in your schedule out here for us to rendezvous for hot, monkey... coffee?

I love your userpic, too. :-)

[geminigirl]

You know, no one at work understood when I used monkey in the same context you did. I had to explain it. And it's not easy to explain.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

I wish I remembered where I first encountered the term "hot monkey love", but I don't.

It's up there with "butt-fuck Egypt" as being one of the weird, but mostly well-known terms around.

[geminigirl]

BFE has always been synonmous with "Guam" as in "Oh where did you park the car, the lot is so crowded?" "Oh, I parked over there in Guam."

In high school there was student parking on both the left and right hand sides of the building-the right hand lot, near the tennis courts was Guam. The left hand lot, back by the backstops was known as BFE.

I used the phrase "Mad Monkey Sex" to describe what I used to do with the roommate of a co-worker's nephew. My boss asked me, "So you went out with him?" "No, S. I just had sex with him. We'd get together, study for chemistry and then we'd have sex."

I still can't believe that I had to explain "mad monkey sex" and that J. another co-worker stood there trying to describe how monkeys bit each other during sex.

hot monkey coffee

[geekchick]

I think being someplace marginally sunny will help; it's too bad that I'll be spending almost all of the time in the hotel in meetings. At least I can tell myself it's sunny outside. ;)

Unfortunately most of the week is taken up with work-related stuff, several of the evenings are scheduled with official schmoozing, but I'd like to work out some time to be social. Thursday night might be at least partially free, but I need to check with my cow orker about that. I'll let you know what the schedule is looking like?

Re: hot monkey coffee

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

What's the date range we're talking about here, just so I'm clear. But that sounds manageable.

BTW it was miserably rainy here today, so I hope we can oblige you.

Re: hot monkey coffee

[geekchick]

I'll be out on the 18th through the crack of dawn on the 26th. Most of that is meeting-related stuff, and I know for sure that Wednesday evening is booked with required schmoozing.

Re: the userpic, here ya go:

Feel free to award as you see fit. ;)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

Would you like a hug when you get here?

I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time, and been feeling depressed. I've been having my own bout with SAD lately. I vote for chocolate and a walk in the sun, if you're up for it.

[geekchick]

A walk and chocolate and a hug all sound wonderful. I'll need to see when I'm not scheduled for work-related stuff, as that's going to take up a surprisingly large percentage of my time. =(

[geminigirl]

It's hard to feel so trapped inside these days; I get up and get home in the dark. Especially since I've also got a windowless office. I've moved walking inside to the treadmill instead of outside (although one would think in the misery of summer I'd want to do that too, but the sunshine is just too promising.)


I don't honestly hate winter, I just find that it's challenging to keep my spirits up. Mostly I just drown myself in work, because I still enjoy that and wait for the sun again.

Feel better soon. In the meantime, enjoy California as much as you can. And let me know if you still want my Zim tape.

[geekchick]

Oooh, Zim. I'd totally forgotten about that. Steve Pope is in town this weekend so we may or may not be out running around in areas somewhat closer to you (given that it's going to be cold, I don't know what the plan is).

I get up and get home in the dark.

I'm lucky in that I don't have to be at work until 9:30 and my commute is only about 25 minutes, so I get to enjoy at least a little bit of sunlight on my way in to work. Otherwise I'd be completely useless. I think I'm going to start making more of an effort to go up and use the treadmill in the exercise room at my complext, since I think more activity would help. In the winter I just feel like a big ol' lump.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Not much to say... *hug* I'm sorry. If it's any help, I was in a similarly Very Bad Place - um, winter of 2001. It was, in fact, Very Very Similar. I finally realized that while the circumstances of my life were *handwave* (increasing? alleviating? meh) getting better, I wasn't, and that was what drove me to the doctor's to get on antidepressants. Lo and Behold! I found out that I have hypothyroidism, which has probably contributed to the depression I've fought off and on for most of my life; and now that I'm on medication, I feel vastly more sane.

I keep wanting to tell everybody I know who is having emotional difficulties "Just go to the doctor's! You probably have a thyroid imbalance, and you'll take some pills and it'll all get better! It worked for me!" but of course I know that doesn't work for everybody. :]

[(Anonymous)]

by some circuitious route that ends up in a bitchy snarkfest, and that puts someone I care about in a difficult position (which of course makes me feel worse).

Don't feel bad about this on my account, please. As rough as it was, something very good came out of it, so on the whole I'm not unhappy it happened.

I think it's been a rough winter for a whole lot of people.

*hugs*

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

*BIG HUGS* Feel free to pop up on Y!Messenger to chat if you see me there! I hadn't noticed you online much lately, and this explains it, I think.

[macropixi.livejournal.com]

The next time I see you I've got a giant hug with your name on it.

Hopefully the next time I see you won't be too far away!