(no subject)

[geekchick]

I've been looking at pictures of myself taken at last week's party, and thinking that no way do I want to show them to anyone. To be honest I almost don't recognize the person in those pictures...they don't look at all like the image I have of myself in my head. It's not that I was skinny once and now I'm not -- I've never been thin, and I carry most of my weight around my waist -- it's that I seem to have a mental image of myself that doesn't seem to match up with reality.

I went on Depo a few years ago, which was the greatest thing ever in terms of convenience and lack of monthly physical discomfort but the worst thing in terms of my weight and my already-low libido. (Excellent birth control method it was, it made sure I had zero interest in ever having sex.) I put on 30 pounds in six months, which was far from the worst number I'd ever heard in regards to Depo, but still bothersome to me. I figured once I stopped I'd lose the weight slowly, but that hasn't happened; even my thrice-weekly sessions with a personal trainer made a difference in my fitness levels but didn't make a damn bit of difference in my measurements. When I picture myself in my head or I look in a mirror, I still see me pre-Depo. When I look at pictures, I see someone else. My hair, my clothes, my body all look so different to me on film (or in pixels, depending). I don't like feeling this disconnect.

I haven't cancelled my gym membership at Lifetime (or Gold's, but that's only because it's such a pain in the ass to cancel with them). I should go back. I was happy when I was working out, I had energy to do things. I tend to fall out of habits easily though, and that's just what I did. I want to be at least as fit as I was at the end of my training sessions again, I want my back and knees to stop hurting, I want my corsets to fit me again, I want to be able to go hiking and not get winded in the first 20 minutes, and I want to not keep being shocked by pictures of myself.

This, by the way, is not a cue for anyone to chime in with how cute you think I am. While the sentiment is generally appreciated, it's not quite where I was heading with this. Also, this is really motivated by being uncomfortable in my own skin these days, this is not actually a "god, I need to lose weight because no one will ever be attracted to me otherwise" sort of whinginess (no matter how much it may sound that way), because that's patently untrue.

Comments

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Also, this is really motivated by being uncomfortable in my own skin these days

I know what you mean -- that's why I chose the surgery route for myself. Not that I'm advocating it for you. :-} Just commiserating with the body dysphoria.

[geekchick]

Not that I'm advocating it for you. :-}

Heh, I'm not sure they'd even consider it for me anyway. =)

Just commiserating with the body dysphoria.

Thanks. *hug*