geekchick: (angst)
geekchick ([personal profile] geekchick) wrote2004-07-21 10:02 pm
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I've been looking at pictures of myself taken at last week's party, and thinking that no way do I want to show them to anyone. To be honest I almost don't recognize the person in those pictures...they don't look at all like the image I have of myself in my head. It's not that I was skinny once and now I'm not -- I've never been thin, and I carry most of my weight around my waist -- it's that I seem to have a mental image of myself that doesn't seem to match up with reality.

I went on Depo a few years ago, which was the greatest thing ever in terms of convenience and lack of monthly physical discomfort but the worst thing in terms of my weight and my already-low libido. (Excellent birth control method it was, it made sure I had zero interest in ever having sex.) I put on 30 pounds in six months, which was far from the worst number I'd ever heard in regards to Depo, but still bothersome to me. I figured once I stopped I'd lose the weight slowly, but that hasn't happened; even my thrice-weekly sessions with a personal trainer made a difference in my fitness levels but didn't make a damn bit of difference in my measurements. When I picture myself in my head or I look in a mirror, I still see me pre-Depo. When I look at pictures, I see someone else. My hair, my clothes, my body all look so different to me on film (or in pixels, depending). I don't like feeling this disconnect.

I haven't cancelled my gym membership at Lifetime (or Gold's, but that's only because it's such a pain in the ass to cancel with them). I should go back. I was happy when I was working out, I had energy to do things. I tend to fall out of habits easily though, and that's just what I did. I want to be at least as fit as I was at the end of my training sessions again, I want my back and knees to stop hurting, I want my corsets to fit me again, I want to be able to go hiking and not get winded in the first 20 minutes, and I want to not keep being shocked by pictures of myself.

This, by the way, is not a cue for anyone to chime in with how cute you think I am. While the sentiment is generally appreciated, it's not quite where I was heading with this. Also, this is really motivated by being uncomfortable in my own skin these days, this is not actually a "god, I need to lose weight because no one will ever be attracted to me otherwise" sort of whinginess (no matter how much it may sound that way), because that's patently untrue.
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[identity profile] quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 07:07 pm (UTC)(link)
I think I can relate a bit. I don't have much a of a strong visualization of myself, but I know what I weigh, and what size my pants are and how well they fit. I'm up to where I was the summer of 2002, when I started training for the Death Valley century bike ride. I actually lost some then, but ever since I've slowly climbed back up. Once I get past this ankle problem (which my current regimin does seem to be helping), I've got to get back on the bike, among other things.

[identity profile] datagoddess.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 07:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Given I haven't actually seen you in person, I'm not going to tell you how cute you are. Just assume I think so ;-)

Anyway, I understand what you mean about wanting to be fit. It's something I need to work on, too. And I've heard some stories from a person who went on Depo right after getting married, and not realizing that the loss of libido was due to the shots, nor the weight gain. It's obviously a drug that has some interesting side effects.

*insert generic 'go you' platitude here* :-)

Good luck getting back in the fitness habit. If you figure out a good motivational tool, can you share? I can use the help :-)

[identity profile] mactavish.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 07:22 pm (UTC)(link)
I spent my late teens and early (to mid) twenties at my current size, then my mid-twenties to mid-thirties reasonably slender, and have been at my current size for about six years. It took me a short while to be able to look at pictures of myself now, but now it can also be very hard to look at pictures of my thinner self, as that's the self I remember from being healthy, from before RA and thyroid disease. I associate being thin with health and being fat with feeling like crap not because the weight caused the difference, but because for me, fat is associated, temporally, with being tired and in pain. Having my thyroid under control hasn't helped a bit, because I can't exercise at my old levels.

I'm glad you're more fit with a trainer, but I do wonder at your not losing weight at all. You've had your thyroid tested? It can be amazing at helping the body avoid burning calories.

For me, I've had to learn to accept that this is the new me, along with other signs of middle age, unless I choose to go on a rigid enough diet that my brain explodes. My doctor specifically doesn't want me doing that; she knows what people with eating disorders think about, and twenty years off for good behavior hasn't entirely removed the thinking from my brain.

It could be that this is where your body sets, now. But maybe there's a way to get you to a pre-depo place. Is your doctor the kind of doctor who would be a good partner in the attempt?

[identity profile] hammercock.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 08:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Also, this is really motivated by being uncomfortable in my own skin these days

I know what you mean -- that's why I chose the surgery route for myself. Not that I'm advocating it for you. :-} Just commiserating with the body dysphoria.

[identity profile] icaruslaughing.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 10:30 pm (UTC)(link)
I knew a girl, once, who gained 50 pounds on Depo. Such evil. I gained 20 on OTC... terrible stuff, birth control sometimes. Esp. with regards to that. So you have my empathy, as well as the weight thing. I won't offer advice, because it seems like you've got that in spades, and you're a smart chickie so I'm sure you'll figure something out. *sends good vibes your way*

[identity profile] ex-misschili604.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
God, Depo was the worst thing I've ever had pass through my body. The depression (that was already not great), the weight gain (which made the depression worse), the lack of libido (which, again, made the depression worse). My heart goes out to you.

[identity profile] yy2bggggs.livejournal.com 2004-07-21 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Also, this is really motivated by being uncomfortable in my own skin these days, this is not actually a "god, I need to lose weight because otherwise no one will ever be attracted to me otherwise" sort of whinginess (no matter how much it may sound that way), because that's patently untrue.

I hear ya. For me, it's just ordinary aging I guess. I'm not really fat, but I've got a tummy now, and as I've always been skinny, I'm just not used to it.

But I'm out of shape too--I really need to start up ultimate again.

As for Evil Depo, my ex wife was on that. </end discussion>

Aqua Teen Hunger Force--PDA:

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen! Behold... I, have lost weight!
Steve: Hey-hey! Looking good!
Dr. Weird: Ah yes, all sugars gone... MANUALLY! (pulls out chain saw, revs it up)...with this!
(Pan to Dr Weird's legs, showing exposed skeleton leading up to bloody flesh stubs)
Steve: Okay, I think I'll go to lunch now.
Dr. Weird: (Revving up chain saw again) I need to lose another twenty pounds, or I'll never be pretty!
winterbadger: (Default)

[personal profile] winterbadger 2004-07-22 07:09 am (UTC)(link)
I figured once I stopped I'd lose the weight slowly, but that hasn't happened; even my thrice-weekly sessions with a personal trainer made a difference in my fitness levels but didn't make a damn bit of difference in my measurements.

I've done Weight Watchers several times, and it helped me eat healthier, but didn't make much difference in my weight. I went from getting little or no exercise outside the daily walking around to going to the gym 3-5 days a week and playing soccer once a week: again, healthier and muscles in better tone, but no effect on my weight at all. I can *maintain* my weight (our gym at work has "no gain" contests over the winter eating holidays that I regularly do well at), but I can't lose weight without going on a starvation diet (a friend of mine who's transitioning MtoF has done this) and lost something like 40 pounds, but it's been through doing things that make me worry about her health (she eats like 500 calories per day).

[identity profile] tikva.livejournal.com 2004-07-22 08:33 am (UTC)(link)
Out of curiosity, have you been checked for PCOS?
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[identity profile] dawnd.livejournal.com 2004-07-22 11:01 am (UTC)(link)
*sigh*

I so hear you. I feel exactly the same way (though I haven't seen those pics yet). For so many years my self-image was off in the other direction: I thought I was fatter than I was. Now I tend to recoil when I see me (even though others think I'm quite hott, thank youverymuch! ;^) because my self-image is off by about 10 years. Eating differently doesn't seem to make a huge (if you'll pardon the pun!) amount of difference. Exercising more does make some difference in my weight, though I have to do FAR more of it than I have time for to really make a dent. I do know I FEEL better when I exercise more, as you have said. But I have to feel enough better to prioritize ME getting the exercise. It's a vicious cycle.

Yours in solidarity, ;^)

Dawn

[identity profile] mouseman.livejournal.com 2004-07-22 05:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I've lost 10 pounds since riding my bike to work (and there's not a lot more I have to lose). It's a 25 minute ride, which is about the same amount of time as riding the bus. I'd certainly recommend it if you're within distance.
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