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Here's a poly-related question that's come up more than once now, and I thought I'd check to see other people's thoughts on the matter.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
no subject
I think the onus of communication is on the active partner, not the new one. I trust my partner to tell me when she is planning to see someone, because that is one of the rules (and such a notice may be as vague as, "I'm going to be at "x" this weekend, and without you I may get lonely." There have been times when "x" was a regular event, I wasn't able to go, and it was a place both emotionally, and sexually charged... I trust her to make reasonable decisions. And to abide by the rest of the rules).
My secondary partners (I hate that locution... but I can't think of a better way to say it), well we have rules too, but none of them involve me having to be told who they sleep with. That's their business. I don't have a formal veto with my SO, why in the world would I need to vet my OSO's interests?
Concommitantly I certainly don't feel the need to go out of my way to intrude myself into the lives of a new OSO's OSOs, any more than I would feel the need for going out of my way to introduce myself to my SOs siblings, parents, cousins, children. My SO can (and should) decide what level of involvement she wants me to have with them. There will come a point I pretty much expect to make the acquaintance of those people, but it isn't needful (and I feel no need to go to, say, her father and declare my intentions) and if the time comes I want to meet them, I will ask her to make the arrangement, thus allowing her the chance to keep the compartments of her life as she wants them.
If there is a primary SO, I want to know that I'm not, "the other man," that what seems to be good clean fun/budding relationship isn't actually me being seen on the sly, but that doesn't always mean I need to meet the SO, just that I can convince myself (and obvious OSOs is usually a good clue, though it doesn't mean seeing me isn't against the rules, but I like to flatter myself that the amount of time I spend getting to know someone before anything physical happens; combined with my line of work, makes it less likely).
I guess it boils down to my basically trusting people, and assuming the people I am interested in are grown ups, and will tell me what the limits are, so that I can make up my mind about what options I/we may want to exercise.
TK