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Here's a poly-related question that's come up more than once now, and I thought I'd check to see other people's thoughts on the matter.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
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See, I'm not sure how I'd react to getting a note like that. Not that I'd be annoyed by it, but my reaction would be "Huh? Why would I think you were a spouse-stealer?" (unless the person in question has a history of such behavior). I tend to assume neutrality absent any other indicators. I don't assume the new person is now my bestest buddy, nor do I assume they're looking for the best spot between my shoulder blades to wedge the blade.
At this point, if my sweetie wants to develop something with someone new, I expect to be told about it in advance of it happening and I prefer to have a talk with the woman in question about what she wants and what her expectations might be.
I don't think that's unreasonable, especially in a primary situation where all partners are local to each other. On the other hand, if I were getting involved with someone and their partner wanted to talk to me about my intentions, as it were, I'd probably feel quite put on the spot if the partner wasn't someone I already knew at least somewhat.
Me, I like to at least know about the other person, otherwise it's pretty hands-off unless it starts to have a definite negative effect on our existing relationship. I prefer to be friends with them ideally, but it's not something I think can be forced. I've been in a situation where a partner's partner and I really did NOT get along at all, and that's no fun. Trying to force interaction there was a very bad idea, I think. (Tangent, not directly related to what you were describing.)