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Here's a poly-related question that's come up more than once now, and I thought I'd check to see other people's thoughts on the matter.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
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My opinion of a given partner is affected by their character as revealed in their other choices of sexual contacts and relationships. In the latter case... anything that happens, good or bad, that affects a sweetie-in-common will inevitably spill over into that person's relationship with me. So it is my business, IMO.
I don't expect or require that OSO's are also my friends (although given that they are extended family, it's much better if so), but I expect basic civility at a bare minimum. Lack of response, or avoidant behavior on the part of a new OSO is a red flag to me. And it is the newcomer's responsibility to initiate check-in...
Failure to check-in, and failure to initiate, and failure to respond when *I* make contact... all say to me that a new OSO doesn't give a damn about me or my established relationship with our sweetie-in-common, so why should I be supportive of theirs, subsequently?
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I don't think that at all, actually. I think that it is the responsibility of the person who needs the reassurance to initiate contact, or for the partner in common to mention to the new partner the existing partner's preference. I don't think it's the new partner's responsibility to be a mind-reader.
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I think the fact that you discuss new partners mainly in the context of how much upset and "adverse impacts" they cause for you is interesting. I know you've talked about how your new relationships cause stress for you at home, it seems to me like you've got similar reactions yourself when one of your partners adds someone new.
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At any rate, given that, I think that the one(s) who feel the discomfort should be seeking the reassurance. It's that basic "ask for help, others can't read your mind" thing.
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Indeed. I don't think a new relationship necessarily has to precipitate a lot of upset, or that by definition it only includes negative consequences for other partners.
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mostly yes, but
Re: mostly yes, but
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I'm dealing with something like this at the moment, actually, and it does not make me feel good at all.
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Er. I think in the latter case, the onus is on the sweetie-in-common to relay that information. I would not want to hear it from someone else, and I'd be rather upset to hear it from my partner's partner rather than my partner directly.
anything that happens, good or bad, that affects a sweetie-in-common will inevitably spill over into that person's relationship with me.
I think you should give your sweetie-in-common at least a little credit for being able to manage their relationships; everyone you'd be involved with should presumably be a reasonably mature adult, no?
Failure to check-in, and failure to initiate, and failure to respond when *I* make contact... all say to me that a new OSO doesn't give a damn about me or my established relationship with our sweetie-in-common, so why should I be supportive of theirs, subsequently?
This is where you're projecting again. You do have to realize that not everyone approachs this from the same place you do, and given lack of any specific evidence otherwise, you should not assume it's hostility.
The real question here, which seems to have mostly been passed over, is how does one reconcile it when one partner has a vastly greater need for check-in and contact than another? Or when one partner projects expectations like the ones you describe onto someone else unilaterally? I know how *you* react to feeling like you're being ordered around ;) , what happens when more than one person feels and reacts in a similar way?