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Here's a poly-related question that's come up more than once now, and I thought I'd check to see other people's thoughts on the matter.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
Say your partner is getting involved with someone new. What level of contact and outreach do you expect from this new person up front? Do you expect them to, for example, send you an email to say hello and to explain that they don't want to steal your partner from you? Do you expect them to make a concentrated effort to be actively friendly towards you and assume some sort of hostility if they don't, or do you assume things are fine unless there's some indication otherwise? For that matter, do you even consider your partner's relationship with them to be any of your business? (Assuming that your partner in question is not a spouse or primary-level partner.) How do you handle it when one person in a relationship web has got wildly different ideas (in either direction) on how much contact is required for comfort than the other people involved? [Edit: I seem to have been unclear on this last bit, based on some of the answers. When I say "how much contact is required", in this context I mean in the initial getting involved stage; say Partner A really wants Potential Partner B to check in with them while B is initially getting involved with their common partner or else they'll assume Partner B is hostile, while it may not occur to Partner B that there's any reason to check in in the first place. All of this is in the context of making initial relationship-noises.]
Usually my take on it is that while outreach is not unwelcome, it's far from required. If the only obvious thing that we have in common is that we share (or potentially share) a partner, I don't necessarily feel like I need to try to force some sort of friendship there. I assume things are neutral to okay unless I hear otherwise, and I honestly don't understand the mindset of assuming hostility from the outset.
no subject
Poly people totally need their own FAQs and man pages, really. Including an extensive glossary of how they, personally, define a whole host of terms terms. But, yeah, we've already had the 'you keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means!' conversation.
I think the fact that so many people have chimed in with so many different ideas has already made my point. Either the question should have already had an explicit and agreed-upon answer, or it's time to negotiate one and put it into place.
Word.
no subject
So true. And not just poly people, everybody needs such a thing. And then of course, just like FAQs and man pages, no one would ever read them and they'd merrily skip along until they find the big red button that the FAQ clearly said not to touch, wonder <Dee Dee>"Ooh, what's THIS button do?"</Dee Dee> and press it. Boom.
no subject
But that's the same with everyone, I think. It would all be laden down with caveats to the point it'd be useless.
Plus - and I'm sure this will get me flamed - to a certain extent, while communication and documentation is a very good thing, I fear the literalist craziness that would ensue if "people documentation" became a big fad. And not big fag, like I just typoed, although that would be nice. Yay fags! ... what was I saying again?