geekchick: (purple wig o'sassiness)

12 Physical Touch
8 Quality Time
5 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts

Interpreting Your Profile Score
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you.

The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level. Learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use next to the corresponding badge below.

Physical Touch
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
geekchick: (stealth batshit crazy)
I run through this every once in a while, just to see if it stays in roughly the same order. Physical touch is pretty much always top of the list, but not always by as large a margin as it is below.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 7
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 4
Receiving Gifts: 1


Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz
geekchick: (road trip)
I've dyed my hair purple, I'm planning on getting some new ink as soon as finances allow and maybe getting my long-lost nostril piercing redone. I went for a drive Sunday afternoon out to the far side of the Shenandoah Valley, and the temptation to just keep going over the mountains and towards the Pacific was very, very strong. A few weeks ago I did something completely out of character for me in recent years, and it was good and it was fun and it frankly surprised the hell out of me for a whole host of reasons.

At least once a year, usually in the spring or summer, I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to do something different and shake my life up a little bit. Generally I keep any actions based on that feeling limited to doing something small, like picking a hair color from the Crayola box, because honestly I'm not terribly comfortable with large-scale change. I like stability, I like knowing what to expect most days. Sometimes though "the usual" bores me and I just want to step outside that comfort zone a bit, or perhaps even a lot. I think about going out and meeting random new people. I think about getting more visible ink. I think about taking a month off and driving across the country with a copy of Roadside America and no particular plan other than stopping at random cheesy roadside attractions. I think about signing up for the Mongol Rally. I think about quitting my job (although I have too much debt to be able to do that anytime soon). I think about picking up and moving to Boulder, or to Paris. I've thought in the past that maybe I should break up with everyone and be single for a while. (To those of you I'm dating, don't worry; this wasn't at all recent.) Am I going to do any of that? Probably not, other than maybe meet new people and get a wrist piece. I think even if I did pick up and move across the country or across the Atlantic, I'd still get restless in the spring.
geekchick: (stealth batshit crazy)
I have a real problem with guilt. By that I mean that I take on rather too much of it, even for things that aren't particularly my fault. Example: a mistake was made a few weeks ago, and all documentation leads to the conclusion that the mistake wasn't mine (and the other party said at the time the mistake was pointed out that the fault might've been on their end). Since I have in fact made that particular mistake in the past though, I promptly went on to stress about the fact that I might've screwed up and felt pretty damn bad about it for several hours. Even though I knew that I'd not messed up in this case, I still took on a disproportionate amount of feeling bad about it (by which I mean "any"). That's just wrong. Why on earth should I feel bad about something that I didn't even do?

And when I do actually screw up? I can't seem to let it go. Heck, I still have flashes of ooginess about things that happened a decade or more ago. I will beat myself up for mistakes I make far longer and harder than the wronged party is ever likely to, and there is little anyone else can say that will make me feel quite as bad as I can manage all on my own. I have literally worried myself sick with feelings of guilt over screw-ups. Sense of proportion? Yeah, I've heard of those. It's not that I feel I must be perfect, it's that I really hate feeling like I've disappointed someone or made them angry. Conflict-avoidant much? Oh, HELL yeah.

I wish I could get a handle on this behavior. Yes, I should feel (at least a little) bad about things that are my fault, but then I should attempt to fix the situation and let it go. I need to also learn not to accept responsibility and feel guilt for things that aren't my fault. That's pretty self-centered right there, because I'm making everything All About Me when it most decidedly is not. Perspective: I should work on getting some.

(No, I don't normally talk here explicitly about how my brain works. Y'all are just lucky today, I guess.)
geekchick: (Default)
I was pretty spoiled growing up, I admit it. I don't think I was spoiled rotten (but then, who ever thinks they are/were?) and I of course didn't get everything I ever wanted, but if there was something I truly had my heart set on, odds were reasonably good that I could have it. Except for a pony. I never, ever got one of those, no matter how much I begged. Or a rocketship, either. I guess I should specify "if my parents thought it was reasonable". One of the lessons adulthood provided was that just because you really, really want something, that doesn't mean you're going to get it. This is of course one of those lessons that you get to learn the hard way. Over and over again. Intellectually, I know that no matter how much I might want these things, there's little to no guarantee that what I want will ever come to pass; life just doesn't work like that. It would take less mental energy to just relax and let what's going to happen, happen. I know that, I do. However, there's still the remnants of a spoiled little child somewhere inside (and if I'm being totally honest with myelf, she's not buried particularly deeply, if at all) that thinks that intensity of desire really ought to count for something, and that I've been patient and I've been good and I ate all my vegetables -- even the nasty brussels sprouts -- and now I deserve my pony, damnit.
geekchick: (thinking)
Today is Prickle-Prickle, day 7 in the season of The Aftermath, 3271.

Some time back I played along with an idea seen on friendsfriends, which is to put together a CD playlist that you feel describes who you are. (I should go back and try to find that playlist sometime, I think.) I think it might be time to put together another one, once I'm back home and near my music collection. In the meantime, I'm curious: is there a song that you think ought to go on that CD?
geekchick: (thinking)
Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 11st day of Discord in the YOLD 3171

If I ever end up in a persistent vegetative state with no hope of improvement, my most fervent wish is that my loved ones do not let me be used as a political pawn in the way Terri Schiavo has been. Like that "get your war on" strip says, “[My living will] says that if I fall into a persistent vegetative state, and Tom DeLay comes within a hundred miles of me, I am to turn into a zombie and rip his fucking head off”. Not that I think I personally would ever come to the attention of Congress (although I doubt Terri ever thought she would either). I do understand Terri’s parents not wanting to give up hope — nobody wants to outlive their children — but it’s long since gone past the point where that hope was anything but futile; it’s time to accept that your daughter has been gone for many years, do your grieving, and try to move on.

The good thing that’s come out of watching this should-be-private drama unfold in such a messy, public fashion is that it’s a real kick in the ass to get some sort of advance directives drawn up. My partner and I are not married, and if something were to happen to me today my legal guardian would be my brother or sister as my closest living relatives. I haven’t discussed this topic with either of them. I suppose technically I haven’t really discussed it concretely with anyone. I’m only in my mid-30s, I find it far too easy to think that I’ve got all the time in the world to worry about making a will, or anything of the sort. That’s exactly how Terri Schiavo ended up in this situation though; at 26, who wants to think about the fact that you’re not immortal? If she had drawn up a living will, this situation would’ve unfolded quietly and privately years ago, the same way so many similar cases do every single day.

For the record, once it becomes clear that there is no hope of recovery, I do not want to spend years hooked up to a feeding tube or a ventilator. If what makes me really me is no longer there, I don’t want the people who love me to spend months or years clinging to what’s an essentially empty shell. That said, I’d really appreciate it if there is absolutely no doubt about my chances before the tubes are pulled. =) I have nightmares sometimes about being trapped in an unresponsive body while being aware of everything going on around me; if the relevant portions of my brain have been replaced by liquid though, I think it would be safe to assume that is not what’s going on.

[Cloned (mostly) from the blahg.]
geekchick: (thinking)
My first name is Catherine. I was named after my maternal grandmother, although she was a Katherine. For my entire life, or at least all of it that I can remember, I've been Cathy. It suits me, I think, and it's comfortable. When I started my current job, we ran into a bit of trouble: one of my coworkers is named Kathy. (This is mostly a problem because there are only five of us, so having 2/5 of the staff named [K|C]athy can get confusing.) There was some minor drama related to the name confusion thing apparently before I was hired, but it seems to have worked out well because she and I are quite good friends now. Amusingly enough, we also happen to share a middle name, and her maiden name started with the same letter as my last name. Since her name is just Kathy, we tried to come up with something else to call me; we settled on Catherine. (This didn't last long, now we're referred to by everyone as "K-Kathy" and "C-Cathy"".) It felt strange, unwieldy almost.

Catherine to me feels like it belongs to someone else, like someone who's much more "proper" than I am, who doesn't dye her hair blue or pierce her nose or laugh out loud at dirty jokes in mixed company. Or else it's someone glamorous, always seen perfectly turned out, every hair in place and perfect makeup. I had a boyfriend in college who preferred to call me Catherine, and come to think of it, I think he really was looking long-term for someone who more fits my imagining of a Catherine. And all this is leaving aside that answering to that version of my name is hard because the only time anyone called me that growing up was when I was in deep, deep trouble and it preceded the rest of my full name. I kept expecting to find out I was in trouble for the few weeks we tried calling me by that name at work. From time to time I am a Catherine, but never for very long before it starts feeling strange.

I've also been a Cate, which also seems like it's not usually me, although not in the same way as Catherine does. That's the name someone dear to me used to address me, and they were the only person to use that variant on anything resembling a consistent basis. I tried to think today why it is that I never even suggested "Cate" as an alternative in the office, and the best I could come up with was that it just felt too intimate for me to want strangers to address me that way. In fact I don't think it would feel quite right coming from anyone else, so please don't start referring to me as Cate unless you happen to be the person who already does. =) There was also the matter of not reflexively answering to it as I would to either Cathy or Catherine, which didn't hurt. Cate feels more to me like an adventurer, someone whose memoirs would be full of danger and romance and wild abandon. Not sure why I have those particular connotations to any of these variants of my name, but there they are.

Mostly, however, I'm just Cathy. That's the name that I use to mean the plain old me, comfortable and familiar. Every once in a while though it's good to pull out the others and try them on, like dressing up for a masquerade ball.
geekchick: (Default)
So, what does a [ profile] geekchick do when she's got an evening completely to herself?

She has Chinese food delivered, kicks off some logfile analysis for work, buys/downloads the new U2 CD, takes a long bath with a bath bomb and a drink and the iPod, contemplates Stuff and Things and what should go on a CD for a friend while her fingers prune up in the disturbingly pink water, and then rocks out in flannel Tigger pajamas to some Van Halen from way back when they did not suck.

Just what the doctor ordered.
geekchick: (sotw)
So, I posted a few days ago about a meme [ profile] xanyboi had started in which you basically describe yourself with a mix CD. I'd been working on this one on and off (mostly off) for a couple of days, and I think I've come up with a reasonable first pass. It's far from perfect, but it'll do for now I think. I don't have most of this stuff available for download, but if you want to hear it I can put some or all of it on CD.

A lot of the things I put on here seem to contradict each other when you listen to the lyrics; I'd say that's just about what one should expect from me. =) If you're curious as to why something got picked, you can ask in comments and I'll try to explain if I can.

  • The Magnetic Fields - "I Wish I Had an Evil Twin"
  • Matchbox 20 - "Unwell"
  • Roseanne Cash - "The Summer I Read Colette"
  • Yellowcard - "Ocean Avenue"
  • Uncle Kracker - "Drift Away"
  • .38 Special - "Wild-Eyed Southern Boys"
  • Maggie Estep - "Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere"
  • Virgo - "Kink"
  • Type O Negative - "My Girlfriend's Girlfriend"
  • Massive Attack - "Dissolved Girl"
  • Vienna Teng - "Harbor"
  • Mark Knopfler - "Wanderlust"
  • Justin Wells - "The Last Temptation of Odysseus"
  • Lizzie West - "The Day We Met"
  • Oysterband - "Blood Wedding"
  • Oysterband - "Between the Wars"
  • Big Country - "One Great Thing"
  • Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon - "Plastic Jesus"
geekchick: (writing)
Today is Sweetmorn, day 55 in the season of Confusion, 3270.

I asked this of someone in an email exchange earlier, and thought I'd toss it out to y'all to see if anyone else wanted to play along.    If you had to pick somewhere between three and five things that you think are essential to understanding who you are, what would they be? (With the disclaimer that I fully realize no one I know could be accurately summed up in five bullet points, it's just a starting point.)

For me, I suppose it would be:
  1. I am often outgoing and gregarious in online interactions, but in person I'm quite shy until I know someone well.  This often seems to come across as being cold and unfriendly, but that's not the case at all (at least I don't think so); it takes me a little while to get past the fear of reaching out to other people in person.  If you know me from online and then meet me in real life situations, you might be a bit taken aback to notice that while I may flirt outrageously or talk non-stop online, I at first will probably be fidgety and nervous and have trouble making direct eye contact when I first interact with you in other settings.
  2. I am depressed to varying degrees more often than not.  Usually I manage to stay functional, but at times I will withdraw into a shell and not have the energy to do the social things I otherwise enjoy or the motivation to do stuff like answer email in a timely fashion.  That last bit has been especially true in the last year or so.  My antisocial tendencies are almost always due to depression and not any lack of desire to hang out with people.
  3. I need some kind of calendar/scheduling program; without one I chronically forget things I'm supposed to be doing.  My schedules slip because I get distracted and wander off to (OOH, SHINY!!) other things if I don't have it written down in front of me that "I will do this at this time".  I think this ties in to my lack of focus that might be depression-related, might be ADD-related, not entirely sure which (if not both).
  4. I also need time to be by myself.  I chafe at the idea of spending all day, every day in the company of someone, anyone, else;  it drives me crazy. Even if it's just retreating upstairs for a bit with a book and/or a CD, I need that separation. 
  5. While I certainly ogle attractive members of the appropriate sex(es), what really, seriously attracts me to someone is their brain.  I have a bit of a fetish for smart people, I must confess.  I've developed crushes to varying degrees on several folks on my friends list that I may or may not have ever met in person (such as this person, or this one, or this one, among many examples; shut up, Brian ;) ) just by virtue of reading what they have to say and really enjoying the way they say it.

Hrm, that was an easier list to come up with than I thought, but I'll stick with my original "up to five" plan.
geekchick: (thinking)
questions from therealjae )

If anyone else would like to be interviewed, leave a comment and I'll try to come up with something resembling good questions. =) I am loving this meme, especially getting to read everyone else's answers.
geekchick: (Default)
More trivia than you ever wanted to know about me.

100 lines about one single woman )
geekchick: (cherry blossoms & tea)
Today is Boomtime, day 13 in the season of Bureaucracy, 3268.

"I wonder if I'll ever really understand you."

A small snippet of some recent email, in response to a small reminder of how different our backgrounds have been. I don't really know the answer to that. I've spent 30+ years now trying to understand me, and it's only in the last few years that I've come close to making anything like progress on that front. I'm not the same person I was even a year ago at this time, and several things I thought I knew about myself then have turned out to not be true anymore. I know that much of who I have been is completely foreign to you, and more and more these days it's also becoming "not me". This is not a bad thing. I'm not changing to fit myself into the mold of what someone else thinks I should be anymore; the changes in my life are more natural progressions for me at this point, not "I should [go out | stay home | dress this way] more often because X thinks I should". I don't feel the need to go out to bars 3 and 4 nights a week just to be around other people anymore, and haven't for years; I have friends and partners who fill that need for human contact now, although far too many of both groups are too far away. I'd rather have the "Significant Lifetime Event" than a larger number of casual relationships (not that I've ever been good at keeping casual relationships casual). Maybe you're closer to solving the puzzle than you think, at least today's puzzle. Who knows about tomorrow's?


geekchick: (Default)

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