geekchick: (bag o'bliss)
Some people say that in stressful situations I can seem unflappable, and I think that's partly because I'm always kind of internally flapped. And so ... when there's actually something real to be concerned about, it's actually less anxiety-provoking than these irrational things. It's also fairly typical ... of certain kinds of anxiety disorder sufferers, particularly people with panic disorder, [they] are exceptionally good at hiding it. They're able to convey an impression of competence, calmness and confidence, which is maybe substantially real ... but there's an internal fear. ... The gap between that and this façade where people see you as competent and effective — you're always afraid of being exposed, which is in itself anxiety producing.

    - Scott Stossel
geekchick: (crazymeds)
Anxiety Open Thread at Captain Awkward. So much nodding in recognition going on over here.
geekchick: (stealth batshit crazy)
I have a real problem with guilt. By that I mean that I take on rather too much of it, even for things that aren't particularly my fault. Example: a mistake was made a few weeks ago, and all documentation leads to the conclusion that the mistake wasn't mine (and the other party said at the time the mistake was pointed out that the fault might've been on their end). Since I have in fact made that particular mistake in the past though, I promptly went on to stress about the fact that I might've screwed up and felt pretty damn bad about it for several hours. Even though I knew that I'd not messed up in this case, I still took on a disproportionate amount of feeling bad about it (by which I mean "any"). That's just wrong. Why on earth should I feel bad about something that I didn't even do?

And when I do actually screw up? I can't seem to let it go. Heck, I still have flashes of ooginess about things that happened a decade or more ago. I will beat myself up for mistakes I make far longer and harder than the wronged party is ever likely to, and there is little anyone else can say that will make me feel quite as bad as I can manage all on my own. I have literally worried myself sick with feelings of guilt over screw-ups. Sense of proportion? Yeah, I've heard of those. It's not that I feel I must be perfect, it's that I really hate feeling like I've disappointed someone or made them angry. Conflict-avoidant much? Oh, HELL yeah.

I wish I could get a handle on this behavior. Yes, I should feel (at least a little) bad about things that are my fault, but then I should attempt to fix the situation and let it go. I need to also learn not to accept responsibility and feel guilt for things that aren't my fault. That's pretty self-centered right there, because I'm making everything All About Me when it most decidedly is not. Perspective: I should work on getting some.

(No, I don't normally talk here explicitly about how my brain works. Y'all are just lucky today, I guess.)
geekchick: (dreams)
Today is Setting Orange, day 8 in the season of The Aftermath, 3271.

For two nights in a row now, I've dreamed that something awful had happened to a dear friend of mine, and I don't have a particularly timely way to get in touch with this person to find out if they're okay. Given a situation going on elsewhere on my f-list, I think I'm particularly sensitive to that sort of thing right at the moment. I hope it's just my brain choosing to manifest my general low-level anxiety in that way, as our long-running conversation hasn't come to a good stopping point yet. [Edit: It's just my stupid brain, all is well. At least as well as can be expected. And now I'm stuck with a mental image of this person running around the apartment yelling "Woman!!!" and periodically banging on pot lids, which is much more entertaining than what I had been thinking earlier.]

Right then, what else is going on with me today? I hate Windows, particularly screwy permissions issues. I'm trying to figure out if I can/should withdraw from my program design class because I just can't make myself sit down and do the homework. I have yet to figure out what sort of costume I'm going to wear this weekend to whichever of the parties I end up at, although I suspect that since I don't feel like going shopping (call the doctor, something's obviously not right with me!) I'll either wear the purple fairy costume from last year or else try to resurrect the fairy gothmother from a few years ago, sans the giant black and burgundy feather wings; either way, it'll give me an excuse to wear my drool-worthy boots again. =) I'm looking forward to going to have a beer or three and listen to good music at IOTA on Sunday night. I get to do some investigation on laptop prices in hopes of persuading the people who write the checks that when my desktop gets replaced next financial year, it should be replaced with a laptop and a docking station. Tonight's plan involves more data entry into LibraryThing and plotting out the best way to take advantage of another 0% balance transfer offer to allow me to pay off and cancel a few of my cards. I got another effective (large) credit limit increase, and now I have theoretically close to 40% of my annual income in available credit. I could buy a new car on credit cards, if it was all available. That is so not good, especiallly for someone as fiscally irresponsible as I am. Will pay them off and cancel them as I go, keeping the two with the best APRs when I'm done.

Babbling temporarily interrupted by a concall. Last one of the week, at least.

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