I'd never paid attention to the lyrics to 39 until John mentioned it re Relativity yesterday. In response I showed him Eat The Ice Cream
) but I've just looked up the lyrics and omg what a sad song
I got caught up in everything other than writing and now it's 2am so I'm on the one hand wanting to write and on the other hand I was already effing exhausted well before midnight. But right now I'm awake.
I'm trying very hard to hold on to some of the newfound equanimity from Labor Day's Interfusion. Everything twined together through the whole weekend to create some sort of change I'm still not quite sure how to explain. Well, at least not without using modalities from that box labeled psychicweirdstuff deal with if need be
in my head. In any case, I'm doing a lot better at noticing what I do and do not want to do, and owning that I've made a choice to do X and not Y. And I'm also able to handle what would for a number of years now have been very painful conversations, like listening to the positive progress of someone through illness and rehabilitation. Wednesday I could go to an assisted living to do some acro in a talent show; that's a triggery sort of place for me. I'm wondering whether I would feel differently than I did, or whether I would risk this newfound ability to start going through mail (though I left for Faire today), to go through a bunch of clothes.
One part of it all was a couple iterations of Mindful Meditation. The first one, on the Friday, was terrible, but I don't regret going because when the next hour I wandered into a Qi Gong workshop and we were moving in this way and that and there was enveloping music and a way to breathe I realized "hey this is what she was going for next door." And then on Sunday, the music from Zouk next door was loud enough to give me a similar experience. Augmented by some stuff from Saturday's Tantra. And with images helped by some dance classes in the intervening time.
I've not been able to explain the weekend without going thursday through monday all the way in order as to how things intertwined. But I don't really want to take that time right now even though I want to.
I've been also doing a little better at trying to recognize when I'm choosing to do something for someone at my own expense, or when it's not my own expense, and when it is or isn't the thing that's appropriate to do.
Sometimes it's the thing to do. Sometimes the effect of the kindness means far more to the other than the inconvenience one suffers for it. Sometimes that isn't the case.
I'm not making a whole lot of sense. Time for sleep.
Thing is? I arrived at Faire at 3 and really at 3:30 and that was okay. I'd not committed yesterady because I wanted to write. I brought a keyboard and I didn't write, and that was okay, too. I've missed some good acro of late, and I'm sure today in the park was lovely, but I had a nice day where I was as well. And I"ve called a jam for tomorrow. And I am aware that Marc is out of town and it's the first night of the new series, but neither he nor Ellen has asked me to show up for FlyingFeet, and I"d rather spend the time outdoors having an acro jam.
And I don't need to manufacture obligations without the other even asking.